


On Record

by dornfelder



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
Genre: Controversy, Epistolary, M/M, Pre-Canon, kind of meta-ish?, master padawan relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-02
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:31:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7941433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dornfelder/pseuds/dornfelder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Files retrieved from the Jedi temple, Coruscant</b> </p><p><b>Archive:</b> A II (internal investigations) </p><p><b>Section:</b> Viol. reg. M/P CoC </p><p><b>Concerning:</b> Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi</p><p><b>Date (redated):</b> 76 BBY</p><p><b>Place:</b> Jedi main temple, Coruscant</p><p><b>Status:</b> records incomplete, partly destroyed</p>
            </blockquote>





	On Record

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I know I'm a bit late to the party. Does Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan count as a rarepair these days?
> 
> Thanks to framesonthewall for betareading and feedback! All remaining mistakes are mine.

**Files retrieved from the Jedi temple, Coruscant**

**Archive:** A II (internal investigations) 

**Section:** Viol. reg. M/P CoC 

**Concerning:** Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi

 **Date (redated):** 76 BBY

 **Place:** Jedi main temple, Coruscant

 **Status:** records incomplete, partly destroyed

**Data available:**

  * Statement of self-indictment, Qui-Gon Jinn
  * Official petition, Qui Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi [DATA CORRUPTION, FILE NOT AVAILABLE] 
  * Testimony, Mace Windu 
  * Testimony, Obi-Wan Kenobi 
  * Testimony, Vlakh Mhorthev 
  * Force bond evaluation, Tah'lasha Ker 
  * Medical and professional records, 01724-3 (Kenobi, Obi-Wan), 58330-71 (Jinn, Qui-Gon) [DATA CORRUPTION, FILES NOT AVAILABLE] 
  * Testimony, Yoda (audio transcipt) 
  * Legal assessment, A'Sharys Dark Moon [DATA CORRUPTION, FILE FRAGMENTED] 
  * Witness testimony, Qui-Gon Jinn 
  * Statement of the Jedi council



 

**Statement of self-indictment, violation of the Jedi Code of Conduct, § 9, 15 – 16 (regulation of sexual relationships between master and padawan)**

I wish to inform the council that I am currently guilty of a violation of the Jedi Code of Conduct, namely by engaging in a sexual and romantic relationship with my padawan of six years, Obi-Wan Kenobi. By bringing this to the council's attention, I am subjecting myself to an official investigation with the purpose of obtaining an exception permit to pursue this relationship. 

_Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master_

 

**Testimony, Mace Windu**

I find myself at a loss of what to say. In all my years as a Jedi master, I have been asked to testify in many investigations of potential misconduct, but for the first time, I feel that my judgment might be affected by personal feelings. While I am well aware that this anger is unbecoming of a Jedi master, I also feel the importance to state that I strongly disapprove of Qui-Gon Jinn's behavior in this particular case, which I can only consider a severe lack of judgment. I have sought, through meditation and reflection, to distance myself from my personal feelings. I will, to the best of my ability, try to remain objective.

Three weeks ago, Qui-Gon Jinn confessed that he had broken the Code of Conduct. He asked for an investigation with the goal of obtaining an exception permit to pursue a sexual relationship with his padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi.

I have always strongly objected to exception permits in cases like these. It is no secret in the Jedi council and among my peers that I believe any kind of sexual relationship between a Jedi master and a padawan should be forbidden without exception, and that any violation of this rule should warrant an immediate dissolution of the master/padawan bond and the removal of the apprentice from their master's care. This is my personal opinion and reflects the law as it has been upheld for centuries. 

However, as the temple constitution has changed to allow for an exception permit in cases where the padawan is of age, and an internal investigation has shown the relationship to be consensual and mutually beneficent, and not to interfere with the master's duties nor the padawan's studies, my personal opinion must not cloud my judgment. 

I will, therefore, give my testimony to the best of my abilities.

I have always known Qui-Gon to he a man of honor and duty. I consider him a friend, but beyond that, he is also, without a doubt, one of the greatest Jedi masters to grace the temple with his presence. 

Alas, he has also, over the course of many years, revealed a weakness that is rather unbecoming for a Jedi master. While his command of the Force and his fighting skills are exceptional and he is a skilled negotiator and a man of high literacy and education, I consider his unwillingness to adhere to the rules of the temple a flaw of character, an expression of an underlying arrogance that I feel is his greatest vice. On many missions, Qui-Gon bent or disregarded the rules of the Jedi, and acted against the council's explicit wishes. 

It is not for us to decide which rules we follow and which we disregard as if they were mere guidelines, to be abandoned the minute they appear inconvenient. The judgment of individuals is always flawed and for good reason, the temple demands obedience, loyalty, and humility of its members. In my opinion, Qui-Gon has too often failed to follow this demand.

In this sense, his decision to break another rule and engage in illicit sexual congress with his padawan does not come as a surprise and should not be seen as a singular and unique occurrence. In fact, it is one example of many that shines a light on Qui-Gon's tendency to see himself as above the law. He only applied for an exception permit after he had already broken the code of conduct. This is not an acceptable course of action, nor should it be excused with the personal nature of the subject at hand. 

While I do not doubt that his padawan was a willing participant, I also believe that Qui-Gon Jinn should have known better than to seduce, or let himself be seduced by, a young person under his supervision. Jedi masters are taught to control their emotions, and apparently, Qui-Gon has failed at that. I have to ask myself whether he really wanted to succeed, or only pretended to battle these urges, counting on the council to rule in his favor.

The inherent power imbalance of a master/padawan relationship, combined with the fact that sexual feelings can be a powerful motivator especially for the young, constitutes the strongest argument against any such relationship. The distraction provided by sexual congress is another. I have often argued that a master should strive to pass on knowledge and wisdom – not, may my crassness be forgiven, bedlore. While Obi-Wan Kenobi has reached the age of majority, he is still a padawan and has much to learn. He has also been influenced by his master and shows a regrettable tendency to act in defiance of the rules of the temple. These are great concerns that we must not dismiss easily. 

Accordingly, my own recommendation can only be to deny Master Jinn's request, and assign the duty of Padawan Kenobi's training to a more reliable and disciplined Jedi master. 

_Mace Windu, Jedi Master_

 

**Testimony, Obi-Wan Kenobi**

I am not comfortable with this becoming public record, but since I know that it is the only way to ensure that my master's name will not be tainted by an allegation of misconduct, I will do my best to be as honest and open as I can. I feel that this is ultimately a private matter and should remain private. Yet if it means that my master and I will be allowed to continue our relationship and not be separated as a consequence of our actions, then it will have been worth it; of that I am sure.

How I became my master's padawan is well-documented. When he took me on as an apprentice, I was not sure how he truly felt about me. He considered it his duty to teach me, that much I knew, but I could not tell whether he was fond of me, or merely tolerated me. For the first few months, this concerned me greatly. Of course, it should not have mattered to me as much as it did, but I was only thirteen years old and craved my master's approval. 

As we grew closer as master and padawan, it became obvious to me that he cared for me. At that time, my admiration and love for him were already constants in my life. I knew him to be a most honorable and admirable man and I was striving to learn by his example. 

I cannot quite say for sure when my feelings changed. It was gradual process, I think, where over the course of two or three years my awareness of him started to extend to his physical appearance – his easy grace, his strength and athletic prowess, his pleasing features – in addition to his patience and diligence, his vast knowledge, his subtle humor, his kindness, and his compassion. More and more, my youthful fantasies revolved around him and made it increasingly difficult for me to ignore my own sexual reaction to his presence. Seeking council, I was assured that it was not unusual for a padawan to develop feelings of a sexual nature for their master. I was also told that these feelings had to stay unrequited, at least until I were of age. 

Even back then, caught up in a web of tangled feelings, I could comprehend this rule and abide by it. I did not wish to cause any damage to my master's reputation and I knew perfectly well that he would reject me, even if I found the courage to confess my feelings. I was absolutely certain that these feelings were unrequited and fairly convinced that this would always be the case. After all, what could I possibly offer my master? Over the years, I had witnessed him rejecting men and women alike, people much more beautiful and worldly than me, so what appeal could I possibly have to him? I knew by then that he felt love for me, the love of a father, of a teacher, and told myself that this would have to be enough. With meditation, reflection, and restraint, I tried to overcome my feelings. The truth is that I never succeeded. 

Does that mean that I am weak-willed and in dire need of more self-discipline? For the longest time, I was ready to believe it, and blamed myself for a lack of control. This is no longer the case. Quite the opposite: I rather think that my love for my master brings out the best in me, that it is a strength and not a weakness. I have found this to be true in my heart, and felt it confirmed in the Force. Questioning myself, I can only come to the conclusion that I am a better person in his presence, that my love for him inspires me to become someone worthy of his respect. I love him with all my heart. 

I certainly know that nothing seemed more right to me than the realization that he felt the same way, and I cannot remember a moment where I felt more in accordance with the Force than when we acted on our feelings. While what happened between us was against the rules, and constitutes a case of misconduct, I am incapable of seeing it as a form of wrongdoing on my part or his. If the council refuses to permit the continuation of our relationship, I will have to accept this decision, but I don't think that I would be able to see it as anything but an injustice to both of us. As I said before, I think that this is a private matter between him and me. I am aware of the many reasons that relationships between masters and padawans have been outlawed for so long and are still frowned upon. I know that they can be distracting, and if my master were a lesser person, I might concede the point – if I didn't know that my master would never allow me to distract him from his duties, and would be disappointed and annoyed if I tried. I am aware that our duty to the temple and our dedication to the mission always have to come first. 

Another argument I have heard people make is that the master's overwhelming emotional influence does not allow their padawan to make a conscious decision. This is why the law dictates that a padawan must be of age before an exception permit can even be considered. Some people argue that even if the padawan has reached the age of majority for their species, they are not capable of making a fully educated decision as their master is a figure of such importance in their life. It is also the reason why every such relationships must be investigated and judged by the council, to make sure that the padawan is capable of consenting, and in no way coerced, even subconsciously, by their master. 

Concerning myself, I can only state that I am fully aware of my actions, and that my love and desire for my master are entirely my own. In the years that I have known him, Qui-Gon has never indicated any desire for our relationship to include a sexual aspect. As I said before, I was not aware until very recently that he had feelings of a romantic or sexual nature for me. 

With the age of majority comes the right to choose one's partners at one's own discretion. I feel that for me, the constitution of the temple, especially the one that I am currently in violation of, is a denial of this very right. 

It is often necessary for individuals to refrain from acting on their selfish desires in favor of establishing order and ensuring everyone's safety. I can see the validity of the arguments forbidding a relationship between a master and a padawan, and I would not want to abolish this particular law in general. But I think that in this case, in light of the facts, an exception can and should be made. Of course, the ultimate decision is up to the council. 

When preparing for this hearing, I was told that the council would want to hear an exact account of how and when my master and I first became intimate. I cannot pretend that I do not think of this demand as a violation of my privacy and my master's. Our affair will be a a subject of speculation, and this makes me feel highly uncomfortable. The temple, while full of wise men and women, is also full of gossip, and I would prefer it if this information could be kept private. However, I will do my best to fulfill the requirements. 

My master and I have been sent on many missions over the years. During these missions, we often spent long periods of time in close vicinity on spaceships, in guest quarters of foreign palaces, military encampments, and so on. As I began to desire my master sexually, it became difficult for me to hide this desire from him. At the same time, my efforts to conceal my feelings started to feel like a form of deception. I will not deny the fact that it took a toll on me, and maybe even on our training bond, as I had to repress any kind of amorous thoughts and ensure that I would not take advantage of our close proximity to touch my master in an untoward manner. I don't know whether my master sensed the reason why I kept my distance, in any case, during one of our last missions, there were circumstances that made it impossible for me to maintain it. 

The mission reports have been filed and will doubtlessly be part of the investigation, so I don't think I need to add unnecessary details. Suffice to say, at the time it became obvious that the diplomatic mission on Eridol had failed and that we had to hide from the separatists, waiting for a ship to come to our rescue, I had no idea how trying the next week would be. Our first hiding place was the backroom of a famous brothel catering to the rich and famous in Eridol's capital Zarga. The owner, the prime minister's intimate friend, was willing to hide our presence, but she could not afford to draw attention to her establishment and had to keep the brothel open and running. The small room that became our refuge for three days was separated from one of the commonly used bedrooms only by a thin plywood wall. During business hours – and the brothel was open from mid-morning to early mornings most nights – we could not leave this room at all, as her employees were not entirely trustworthy and the Eridolean, much like the Hutts, are mostly immune to Force compulsion.

Within the confinements of this little space, we had to sleep in close proximity, and could only use the facilities in the early hours of morning. At the same time, the adjacent bedroom provided us with a frankly embarrassing soundtrack of a pornographic nature. Unwilling and silent, hidden from sight but not from earshot, we had to witness sexual encounters between our host's employees and their various clients. While my master was seemingly unaffected by all of this, I had grave difficulties to ignore the proceedings. 

Caught between unwelcome arousal and embarrassment, I could not conceal my own discomfort. My master told me that my reaction was a very natural one, and advised me not to be ashamed. It was impossible to escape the noises entirely, and while I meditated to the best of my abilities and tried to ignore what was happening, the isolation, forced inactivity, and close proximity to my master steadily increased my frustration.

On the third day, my master suggested I try to relieve tension in a more conventional way. I recall that I was sitting on the floor while he was resting on a narrow cot, the only piece of furniture in our closet. I had put my hands on my ears and yet couldn't help being aware of the two men on the bed, only a few feet away from us, moaning and moving rhythmically while copulating. 

It was an extremely unfortunate situation. One of these men had a voice that reminded me of my master, and it became difficult, if not impossible, to hide how much their coupling affected me. I could not suppress my vivid imagination of what these two men were doing together, and as they proceeded, taking their time, they became versions of me and my master in my mind. At that point, meditation was no longer a means available to me. 

_Obi-Wan._ My master's mind reached out to me and I flinched. _Obi-Wan,_ he repeated, and I had to raise my eyes and look at him. 

"There is no shame in this," he whispered. "Do what you must, my padawan. If I were not here –"

One of the two men moaned aloud, a drawn-out sound that sounded almost drugged with pleasure. I gritted my teeth. "But you _are_ here, my master. I cannot pretend –"

"Obi-Wan." 

I shook my head, trying to regain control of my breathing. 

"I assure you I will not think any less of you."

"I can control myself," I said, trying to will it true. If he remained unaffected, then surely I could manage the same? Silence descended between us once more, only that the lack of words meant that the noises came to my attention again, the slapping of flesh, the lustful moans. The man whose voice so resembled my master's suddenly gave a sigh, long and deep, and I knew that he had just found completion. 

I heard my master's breath hitch. My gaze was drawn to him immediately and when I caught his eyes, my heart missed a beat.

Never before, in all those years, had I seen him in a state of arousal. If he indulged in masturbation, I didn't know of it. Of course, I had thought about it, out of curiosity at first, then out of desire, but I had never seen any sign of sexual activities, or seen him exchange more than a fleeting kiss with anyone. I had never seen his eyes track someone's movement with an interest that went beyond a superficial appreciation of beauty. But now his eyes were wide and dark, and his lips parted, glistening from where he had moistened them with his tongue.

"Master," I whispered. As a plea, a question, or anything in between, I cannot say. The distance between us, no more than a couple of feet, seemed to fall away. 

"Obi-Wan," he breathed, and nothing more than that.

In that instance, rational thought fled my mind, and I put my hand on my cock. My own touch made me hiss from the relief it brought, and it made my master's eyes darken even further. I held his gaze while I stroked my cock through layers of clothing. My world narrowed down to sensation, and I was aware of little else but his eyes on me, the intensity of his gaze, his breath turning uneven as mine grew shallower and faster, matching the rhythm that my hand had established. 

"You will soil your clothes," my master whispered. Nothing more, but the implication was clear. With trembling fingers, I tore at the drawstrings of my leggings. I felt hot and cold and shivers were running down my spine. I pulled my leggings down to free my erection. My eyes strayed to look at my cock, swollen and dark in my hands, and then, unerringly, they went back to his. 

"Yes," he whispered. "Touch yourself." I moaned at that, and my hand closed around my cock and began to stroke it, fast and hard. I had to fight to keep my eyes open. When they fell shut from the sheer amount of bliss, his hushed voice demanded, "Look at me."

So I did. With my master's eyes on me, watching me as if I were the only thing in his universe, I came, spilling hot and wet into my own hand. The intensity left me breathless, speechless, and my head banged against the wall as I let it fall back, panting.

A silent movement, and then my master was there, right in front of me, on his knees. I barely had time to open my eyes in surprise before he took my hand, which had been loosely curled around my cock, and lifted it to his mouth. He inhaled deeply, and then his tongue darted out to lick my palm, sticky with semen, and take my thumb in his mouth.

I moaned and he hushed me with a warning glance. Then I could only sit and stare as he licked my hand clean, his breath coming in short bursts, his chest heaving in a way that couldn't come from exertion, only from excitement. 

"Please," I whispered, barely knowing what I was asking for. "Master, please." He lifted his head, still holding my hand, and sought my gaze. I could see the raw, naked want in his eyes. "Let me," I whispered. "Let me bring you relief as well." After a second, he nodded, slowly, and brought my hand down to his groin to press against the hardness between his legs. 

I could barely draw a breath. I closed my eyes. Having been given permission to touch, I let myself explore him, the shape of him through the thin fabric. He pressed against my hand, and his breath grew short with raw need. "Please," he whispered, and hesitantly, awkwardly, I started to stroke.  
A brief fumble, barely worthy of noticing, and his leggings were gone. My fingers closed around the heat and girth of him, and I tightened my grip and quickened my pace until his fingers came up to my shoulders and dug into my flesh. 

As he came, he gave a breathy moan, and I swallowed it with my mouth on his, kissing him for the first time. The kiss was chaste by comparison, considering the situation we were in, my furious, violent masturbation, the penetration occurring nearby, the voyeuristic aspects of the scene. I didn't dare deepen it, so it remained soft, my master's lips moving under mine ever so slightly. No longer quite as overcome by lust, I could sense his presence through the Force, his great fondness, concern, a bittersweet joy. 

For what seemed like a small eternity, we sat together on the floor, his forehead resting against mine. His hands held my shoulders as if he were afraid of letting go. I pressed closer and he pulled me into his lap, where our sticky, softening cocks lay against each other. I felt his lips on my forehead, and his breath on my temple when he bowed his head to whisper in my ear. "My Obi-Wan."

"Yes," I whispered back. "Yes." Then, even softer, daring, "Qui-Gon." His arms tightened around me.

After a while, he gently pushed me back. He rose to his feet, then came back to me with a wet piece of cloth. Dazed, I cleaned myself, and handed it back to him, trying not to watch as he, too, made use of it while I pulled up my leggings. Despite his reassuring presence, I felt unsettled, incapable of processing what all of it meant. Had he given in to my desire, or acted on his own? Was it our current environment, responsible for a loss of control, and had nothing to do with me at all?

He came up behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "Stop this, Obi-Wan. Do not think too much about this now. We will talk about it, but now is not the time, or the place. You should rest." He steered me into the direction of the cot, and I obeyed, grateful for the directions he gave me, and lay down as ordered. The thin, lumpy pillow held his scent, and with that comforting thought, I let myself drift into sleep.

When I woke again, it was because our host came with a group of Republican loyalists to move us into a safe house, where we spent the days waiting for our rescue, along with a group of off-world diplomats and ambassadors, and there was no opportunity to talk at all. I was both grateful and aggravated by the delay. I felt my master's eyes on me, not knowing whether he wanted to monitor my behavior, or had a different reason to look. 

Finally our ship arrived and brought us back to Apshai, Eridol's neighboring world, from where we took a shuttle back to Coruscant. But it wasn't until we were back in the temple, after mission reports and briefings, that my master asked me to meditate with him. We did that for a long while. I tried listening to what the Force told me, but it did not speak to me at all. The same evening, after dinner, my master asked me to join him in his study. This is a rare occurrence, as my master prefers to reside in his living room, enjoying a broader view of Coruscant and the night sky. I followed him, less calm than I wished to be.

He bade me to sit down, then turned to face the window that overlooked the upper training courts. "Obi-Wan, for once, I ask of you not to think of me as your master," he said. "On this occasion, let me be a friend to you, not an adviser. I would have you speak your mind freely, without fear of being judged, or instructed. This once, let us be equal. I beg of you, do not conceal what is on your mind – no matter what it is." 

I swallowed. "Yes, master." The "master", in this instance, came without a thought, and I bit my tongue. Hadn't he just asked me to disregard his authority? 

He did not comment on my lapse. Instead he took a deep breath, then turned around to look me in the eye. "What happened on Eridol was … wholly inappropriate." I may have flinched because he shook his head and hastened to assure me, "On my part, Obi-Wan. You did no wrong. The transgression was mine."

"I don't – I do not consider it a transgression."

"Then what _do_ you consider it, Obi-Wan?"

I had no reply to that, as I didn't know. I had had days to agonize over it, but I had not found an answer. I could not draw a conclusion when I did not know why he had done what he had done. When I failed to answer, he took a deep breath. 

"What do you think my motives were, in that situation?"

To this answer, at least, I could offer my thoughts. "I am not sure, master. I think the most obvious answer would be that it was a way to … to relieve tension, owed to our … unusual circumstances."

"This, of course, would be the best outcome, considering. However, Obi-Wan, you know very well that my actions were ill-considered at best and exploitative at worst."

"What does that mean?" I asked him, after a moment of silence. Already my heart was beating faster than it should have.

"Obi-Wan, I did not leave you any room to consider. My words, such as they were, were no suggestion, they were a demand. My overtures – me approaching you, touching you, overstepped the bounds of propriety."

"I – I didn't mind, master," I said softly.

"So I gathered," my master said a little dryly. "But what if you had?"

I stared at him, completely taken aback. He smiled at my expression, then elaborated. "If my actions had been unwelcome, what then?"

I tried to consider it, but failed. "But, master," I said. "I honestly cannot imagine that you would ever do such a thing. You must have known – known that I would not object, and –"

"Oh, but 'not objecting' is not the same as consenting, Obi-Wan."

That, of course, was true, but I felt that he was using this evident truth to dissuade me. "I welcomed your touch," I said boldly. "And if you had not felt that I did, you would not have approached me in that manner, of that I am sure."

He smiled. "Such certainty. Is this assertion one that you feel confident making?"

"Yes," I simply said, using the Force to project my unwavering conviction on him.

He bowed his head and took a deep breath. "My Obi-Wan," he said gently. "Your trust in me is an undeserved gift."

"I don't believe that," I said. "Why would you say such a thing? In all these years, you have shown me nothing but kindness, sincerity, generosity. I know the kind of person you are, yet you speak as if my trust were misplaced."

"A sexual relationship between master and padawan is forbidden, Obi-Wan. You know that."

"Yes." 

"Then you know that my actions were really inexcusable."

My master is not usually a person prone to self-flagellation. On those few occasions where he has made a mistake – and I am well aware that such occasions do arise, albeit rarely – he admitted to his failure, and set out to correct it where possible, and to learn from it. I have never seen him wallow in guilt. So I told him, and was rewarded with a wry smile. 

"This is not an occasion like any other, Obi-Wan. This time, I failed you, and I feel the deepest regret. At the same time –" There he stopped and I waited, but when no reply came, I lowered my head and thought about it. 

"Master," I said, then stopped. He had asked me to address him as a friend. "Qui-Gon." His name on my lips felt more intimate, in this setting, than the kiss had, and at the same time, it gave me a secret thrill. "I love you." And because love, the love of a padawan for his master, was an expected and fairly common emotion, I had to state it even more plainly, so he would not be able to misunderstand me. "I am in love with you and have been for years. If anything, it is I who failed you first." 

I was trembling, and my effort to hide it was futile. I clenched my hands into fists for a brief second, taking a deep breath. In this moment, I could not meet his gaze. It was nothing but the truth. There was no transgression on his part, only on mine. If my desire for him had not been so strong, the confinement of our hiding place and the events taking place there would not have affected me as much. I could not imagine any of my friends among the padawans reacting this way, if they happened to find themselves in a situation like this.

My master's voice was a hushed whisper. "Your love honors me more than I can say, Obi-Wan. But it is no failure on your part, not at all. In fact, it is … fairly common for a padawan to feel this way."

"So I was told," I said. "But I was also told that such … such crushes usually dissipate."

"Some do," Qui-Gon said. He cleared his throat, his voice taking on a tone that I knew all too well. My master is as good at giving lectures as most instructors. "The bond between master and padawan has to be strong, and based on mutual respect, care, and compatibility, to work over such a long time. That affection is just as important is less often acknowledged, but implicit. Where it is missing, the bond will not prove sustainable.

"There are many cases where affection between a master and a padawan will never turn into anything else. After all, for most padawans, their master is a parental figure first. Compatibility of mind and Force sensitivity are what matters. However, where master and padawan are sexually compatible as well, and affection includes a … an appreciation of form and physique, it is very common for a padawan to be attracted to their master at some point. Very few would try to deny the inevitability of such crushes occurring, if not reliably, then still fairly often."

"Are you trying to make me feel better?"

His ghost of a smile seemed sad to me. "Partly. You must understand that you have done nothing wrong, and that your – your love for me is nothing to be ashamed of. It is not our feelings that we can control, only our actions."

"But -" I stopped. I realized that I still didn't know why he had touched me, back in the brothel, and allowed me to touch him. He had given me no indication that he shared my feelings, and surely, if he did, he would have done so by now? I sought his gaze, trying to read him. He met my eyes evenly, earnestly. There was nothing inviting in his gaze, just a steady calm. "You said it was excusable for a padawan to have this kind of feelings. But what about their master?

"You already know the answer to that," my master said. "Duty comes first, and it is a master's duty to ensure their padawan's wellbeing. It is my duty to guide you, to care for you, to put your wellbeing before my selfish desires."

I took a deep breath, wetting my lips. "What _are_ your desires, master?"

At that, my master, so skilled a negotiator, whom I had come to see as almost unshakeable, flinched as if that question, predictable as it was, had taken him by surprise. His lips parted and he blinked, shaking his head in denial.

"Do not ask me that, Obi-Wan," he said in a low voice that sent a shiver down my spine. "Have mercy on me, and do not ask me that."

It was that moment when I realized the truth, and it made my breath catch in my throat. I was stunned into speechlessness, and for a long moment, all I could do was stare at him. "Master," I said after what seemed like hours. "If you know how I feel, and if it is true that you feel the same way –" 

The desperate need to know must have shown on my face. His expression softened. "My Obi-Wan," he said. "You must understand that my love for you has been the caring, enduring, sometimes indulgent love of a parent, for the longest time. This love will always be yours, and anything else …"

"Where you merely indulging me, then?" I asked, knowing the answer, needing to hear it anyway.

"No," my master said. "I am afraid that my motives were not as pure as that. Rather, it was an expression of far more selfish desires, and if I were a better person, I would never have acted on them."

"A desire for _me_ , master? Or merely …"

He made a sound, half sigh, half objection, and shook his head. "It is you I desire, Obi-Wan, body, soul, and heart. To my shame – and, for a the longest time, to my great consternation - I have found myself to be madly in love with you."

My mouth fell open in shock, a small "oh" the only thing escaping.

He smiled at my obvious disbelief. "Why, my padawan, you made me confess after all. You seem to be at a loss for words. That does not happen very often."

He moved, striding toward me, and my mouth turned dry at the sight of him. He came up to my chair and then, while I was sitting there with a pounding heart, swept away by a rush of arousal and excitement, he fell to his knees in front of me. As I stared at him, he lifted my hand and pressed a kiss to my palm. "My Obi-Wan, if only you knew how precious you are to me, and how much admiration and fondness I feel for you."

"I know, because I feel the same way," I said. "Master –"

He shook his head without reprimand, still holding my hand in his, turning it to press another kiss to my knuckles. "All my convictions, my rational thought, tells me that this is not a good idea, that if I were a better man, I would not have allowed it to happen, let alone to continue. And yet –" He paused, then he guided my hand to his face, laying it against his cheek. "My Obi-Wan, if this is what you also want, then it would be my greatest honor, and pleasure if you accepted me as your lover, your partner, as well as your master."

"Yes," I breathed. "Yes, please."

"Come, then," he whispered. "Come to me."

I cannot tell who took the first step after that, who pulled or pushed to close the distance between us until I was straddling his lap on the hard floor, or who initiated the first kiss. I know that when our lips met, a missing piece fell into place, and the Force sang around us, reflecting our mutual joy and passion. 

His name fell from my lips like a benediction and when he spoke mine, a sound more intimate than the boldest caress, I trembled with the weight and meaning of it. 

Maybe all lovers feel like that. I wouldn't know. 

It was the first night that we spent together. I found my master to be a most generous, vigorous lover, but I am loathe to admit even that much: I cannot see it serving any other purpose than to satisfy the curiosity of others. While I understand the necessity for the council to ensure that neither I nor my master were coerced into a sexual relationship – that it was in fact a conscious agreement between two adults – I do not believe that sharing the more intimate details of our encounters would add any valuable information. Either the council will believe us, or it will not. 

In the morning, over breakfast, my master told me that if we wanted to continue our relationship, we would have to obtain permission from the council. I agreed, but before we could file the necessary forms, our next mission led us to Aylon to negotiate on behalf of the Thelvian ambassador. During this time, we continued to work as master and padawan, and only resumed our sexual relationship after leaving the planet. It is a great relief that I no longer have to conceal my innermost thoughts and feelings, and I feel that our connection has grown stronger and more fulfilling than ever. 

For reasons that are not quite comprehensible to me, I was asked to disclose the extent and nature of my previous sexual relationships and encounters. While I am strongly opposed to revealing actual names, I will state that during my years as a padawan, I had two partners – one male, one female – among my peers in the temple. These encounters were entirely consensual, pleasant, and educational. I had another brief affair with a female partner of the diplomatic corpse on Istahkr during our extended stay a year ago. My emotional involvement in all of these encounters remained superficial, which I have to attribute to the fact that my heart already belonged to my master. I have realized that sex without a deep connection feels hollow and unfulfilling to me. 

I hope that this statement will help the council to reach a conclusion. I will be happy to answer all remaining questions to the best of my abilities, should the need arise. 

_Obi-Wan Kenobi, Senior Padawan_

 

**Testimony – Vlakh Mhorthev**

I have been a padawan instructor and a council member for many years. I am no stranger to the many ways in which otherwise virtuous Jedi are led into temptation, or tested, and fail. The path to the Dark Side, as they say, is paved with good intentions. 

Clearly, the temptation of a young, attractive, and sexually desirable padawan is one of these things that can lead a Jedi astray, but it is nothing we can consider acceptable. The current regulation may suggest otherwise, but I have repeatedly stated why I believe that the law is wrong, and why we should return to a strict ban of sexual relationships between master and padawan.

As Jedi knights and masters, we are meant to teach and mentor our padawans. Affection is not condemnable in itself, but it should not surpass a certain level. How can we discipline our young ones, and hone them as we are meant to do, when we love them too deeply to acknowledge their flaws? Love and objectivity are mutually exclusive. We don't like to criticize the things we love, and we protect them from harm because anything that hurts them also hurts _us_. But if we want our padawans to become independent, strong and capable Jedi, we cannot spare them. This is the most important reason why a romantic relationship between master and padawan can never be mutually beneficent: it does not have the padawan's best interest in mind. 

It is also important for padawans to form meaningful relationships to others. Where a master – already a figure of great importance in a padawan's life – becomes the sole focus of sexual and emotional needs, they inevitably take up so much space that the padawan's ability to connect to others suffers. If one person plays every part – parent, older sibling, teacher, lover – then it is not necessary for us to reach out to others. This sole focus on one overly influential person often leads to a concerning level of isolation and seclusion, creating a claustrophobic atmosphere where a master – accidentally or on purpose – may start to abuse their power in ways that are not immediately obvious to others (or even the padawan in question). By creating a possibility to obtain an exception permit, the temple comes dangerously close to facilitating unhealthy, potentially abusive and harmful relationship dynamics. 

Last but not least, we need to keep in mind that a padawan, being so much younger than their master, naturally strives to please. While this is considered advantageous when it comes to developing the skills of a Jedi – Force and combat training and academic achievements – it is far less desirable when it applies to matters of a personal nature. Personal taste, appearance, sexual and romantic preferences, and choice of recreational activities are all important aspects of life, and we need to give our young students space to explore and gather experience on their own. Where a padawan aims to please their master, they will fail to develop their own, individual personality. Surely, this cannot be our goal. 

These are other arguments for a general ban on such relationships, but these are the most important one, and I fail to see why the council should grant exceptions permits at all. In my opinion, no truly benevolent master would so much as _consider_ entering into a romantic or sexual relationship with their padawan. I cannot understand why the council refuses to acknowledge the necessity of protecting young, impressable students from these exploitative situations. I have heard people argue that the padawans' wishes should be taken into account. I strongly disagree. They may believe to be mature enough to know what they consent to, but this is simply not the case.

My own vote will always be against an exception permit. This applies to Qui-Gon Jinn's and Obi-Wan Kenobi's case as well. 

_Vlakh Mhorthev, Jedi Master_

 

**Force bond evaluation, Tah'lasha Ker**

I have been asked by the council to examine the master/padawan training bond between Master Jinn and Padawan Kenobi, and to give a personal evaluation of the nature and the development of the bond.

I would like to state for the record that I don't think that the classification of the bond as a training bond is entirely accurate. My observations have shown this bond to be somewhat atypical, in that it more closely resembles a traditional partner bond. I will explain this shortly; but I would like to give an account of the development of the bond over the past six years first.

The first time I examined the training bond between Qui-Gon Jinn and his new padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi was shortly after their return from Bandomeer, after the formal proceedings had confirmed their new respective roles as master and padawan. Due to the rather unusual election process, it was to be expected that the bond would be unsettled and likely weaker than the average training bond. This was in fact the case: upon examination, I found that Qui-Gon's attitude toward the bond was one of reserve, hesitation, and doubt. On Obi-Wan's side, I could sense anxiety and a desperate need for approval. My recommendation at the time was to monitor the bond even more closely, with quarterly examinations scheduled for both of them, and I suggested that the two of them remain at the temple for at least half a year to make sure that they would be able to form a more resilient connection. The council decided otherwise, as Qui-Gon Jinn's skills as a negotiator were apparently needed for a mission in the Outer Rim. 

The next time I saw the two of them and got to examine their bond was more than half a year later. To my surprise, their bond had developed very well on its own, and in fact seemed to have grown even stronger for overcoming its initial difficulties. Both master and padawan seemed to be reassured in the conviction that their unusual meeting had been the working of the Force. Both were quite content with the state of their relationship, which was based on mutual respect and honest affection.

The following years, the bond was tested in different ways as Obi-Wan started to develop romantic feelings for his master. They led to a certain amount of reserve on his part, but also laid the groundwork for a greater mutual understanding. My observation was that Obi-Wan's love for his master led him to see Qui-Gon as a person rather than a caretaker to rely on, and that he looked for ways to aid and support his master with a thoughtfulness that is rarely found in young men and women. In any case, over the years, the bond reached a surprising amount of depth and stability, and was rated with a solid five on the bond stability scale. Apparently, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi were very compatible and willing to rely on each other. 

The last scheduled evaluation took place three months before this one. If anything, the bond had grown even stronger, and slight changes in their emotional connection seemed to have their cause in Qui-Gon's greater awareness of his padawan's presence, the reasons of which I could not discern at that point. 

The bond was, and remained, stable and fully functional (type 5 bss).

As the council might be aware, the bond stability scale, as currently in use, only rates training bonds based on their functionality and usefulness. Before the bond stability scale became the sole means to evaluate a training bond, the mind healers used the Dhra'ken scale for a more accurate and nuanced description of any kind of Force bond. To rate a bond on the Dhra'ken scale, it was examined in regard to three aspects: emotion, foundation (memories and experience), and compatibility. These three aspects all contribute to the strength of a bond and influence each other in different ways. 

The Dhra'ken scale rates a bond between 0 and 10, with the latter being a rarely observed pair bond between telepathic, force-sensitive species, such as the Ahalauu of MiEras. Mind healers and bond experts are largely in agreement that for a humanoid species, the maximum rating is a 9 between long-term partners with a large amount of compatibility and affection for each other. On the Dhra'ken scale, an average training bond – rated with a four on the bond stability scale for mostly stable and fully functional – would range between a four and a five. 

While the Dhra'ken scale is no longer used in official evaluation forms, some mind healers still use it during their examination as a means of clarification. My own notes for the last evaluation rated the bond between Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi with a 6 on the Dhra'ken scale, well beyond a normal training bond. This is why I am loathe to us that particular term to describe, especially in light of recent events, as the bond has further evolved, and would rank even higher now than before. 

All three aspects of the bond are extraordinarily well-developed and have been for quite some time. Their compatibility in combat and strategy is documented both through various mission reports and the council's insistence to send Qui-Gon Jinn on increasingly difficult missions, treating them like a pair of master and knight rather than master and padawan. The affection between them pervades all layers of the bond, which, despite having formed under such unusual conditions, has proven itself extremely durable and resilient, reinforced by memories of successful missions and challenges. 

The recent changes in their relationship have further enhanced their connection. The emotional depth between them, now revealed and acknowledged, has removed remaining hesitation and anxiety and allowed them to fully embrace their bond. Their sexual compatibility, with new positive memories formed in the wake of it, is adding further layers to their emotional connection and allows for even greater familiarity. At this point, I would rate the bond with a 7 on the Dhra'ken scale, and unless complications of an unforeseen nature arise, I expect that the bond will evolve even further as time passes and these changes, still new at this point, will become fully ingrained. I would go so far to consider the possibility that a few years from now, the bond might be rated with a nine, the maximum for a human species and a rarity even among Jedi. Where such a bond has been observed in the past, the mind healers liked to talk about a soul bond. While I am loathe to use this word, due to its overly romantic connotation, I feel obligated to point out that the bond between Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan is uncommonly strong, well-balanced, and seems for have formed in accordance with the Force. I would even go so far as to say that their sexual relationship is a natural conclusion of their bond rather than a complication. As a mind healer and one of the temple's leading experts on Force bonds, I would advise the council to permit Master Jinn and Padawan Kenobi to continue their relationship. Anything else, in my honest opinion, would be a blatant disregard of what the Force tells us. 

I will of course be available for further questions. Details and examination results are attached to the file. 

_Tah'lasha Ker, Jedi Master and Mind Healer_

 

**Testimony, Master Yoda (audio transcript)**

Trch. No time I have for such nonsense. Why ask me, I wonder? My padawan, Qui-Gon has not been for forty years. My padawan, Obi-Wan is not. A Jedi Master I have been for a long time; seen much foolishness I have. Foolishness this is. Trch. Jedi masters and knights, cast out from the temple, cast out for breaking an ancient rule. Change the law we did. To the Force we listened, three hundred years ago. Not return to archaic customs we must.

Between master and padawan strong the bond can be. Listen to the Force you should. All I have to say, this is. 

_End of recording_

 

**Legal assessment, A'Sharys Dark Moon [FILE CORRUPTED]**

[… ] the chronicle lists 36 cases of romantic and/or sexual master/padawan relationships reported to the council. In 27 of these cases, the violation of the Code of Conduct were reported by others. Of these 27, 6 were later proven false, the accusations based on misunderstanding and unreliable witness testimony. Of the remaining 21 cases, only a minority had been reported by witnesses who had accidentally gained knowledge of the relationship, for example by seeing the delinquents in a compromising situation. [… ] other cases, members of the Jedi temple had been trying to prove a case of misconduct, in a majority of cases with apparent malicious intent*. This prompts the conclusion that […] usually capable of behaving responsibly and didn't draw attention to themselves, and indicates that there might in fact have been a high number of unreported violations at all times.

[…] 

[...] that at least 25 couples continued their relationship, either after obtaining an exception permit, or after the padawan had been knighted. Where an exception permit was granted, the relationship […] and did not affect the Force bond negatively. It also didn't have any […] padawan's emotional or professional development. Based on the service records available, it is startlingly obvious […] 

In conclusion, the data available suggests that unless there are serious concerns raised by instructors or mind healers, permission to continue the relationship should be granted.

_A'Sharys Dark Moon, Jedi Master_

 

**Testimony, Qui-Gon Jinn**

It is no exaggeration when I say that I never expected to find myself in this position. If someone had told me five years ago that I would one day subject myself to an investigation of my private life and my training bond for the purpose of engaging in sexual congress with my padawan, the curious notion would have prompted a disbelieving smile at best. While I never voiced the suggestion to reinstate the old law of the temple, as I have heard some other Jedi masters and knights do, I had also little sympathy for those masters who disregarded the Code of Conduct in this particular fashion. 

The bond between master and padawan is a very complex one. For formative years of childhood and youth, our padawans are exposed to the overwhelming influence of their masters. For good reasons, the training bond is closely monitored and subjected to regular examinations. Where an adult is awared the duty and privilege of instructing a young learner and caring for them, the adult in question must in turn be held fully responsible for their behavior toward their mentee. 

When I was a knight and taking on a padawan for the first time, I was of course fully briefed about everything that would be required of me. I was told in no uncertain terms that my charge's wellbeing, education, and instruction would have priority over my own personal needs and desires, and that it was my responsibility to ensure that no harm would come to this child, this young person under my tutelage. I have always taken this responsibility very serious.

Back then, I was told, as every other knight or master, that it was a common occurrence for a padawan to develop feelings of a romantic or sexual nature for their master. After all, at the age of thirteen, when we take on our padawans, they are at the threshold of sexual maturity, and we all know from personal experience what an important figure even the most detached master will inevitably be. While I personally was spared the experience of sexual attraction to my master, mostly because our species were not sexually compatible, I remember well how greatly I admired him, how devoted I was to my duties as his padawan, and how much his approval mattered to me. I cannot imagine what damage might have been caused by a master who had taken advantage of my vulnerability. 

Despite all this, and against my own judgment, I find myself in violation of the Code of Conduct. All attempts to justify my behavior will be questionable at best. The truth is that I am not selfless, strong-willed, or principled enough to reject Obi-Wan's love, or deny my own.

I had been aware of Obi-Wan's feelings for me when he first began to develop them. As masters are expected to do, I ignored them where I could and walked the fine line between encouraging false hope and offering comfort and affection of a platonic nature. I like to think that I succeeded in that. While I thought of it as endearing and even, in a way, flattering, I was secretly anticipating the day when he would outgrow his childish crush which so often caused a blush to color his cheeks and a look of sheer adoration to show in his eyes. I knew that I had much to teach him, and that he would only become a true partner to me once he realized that his unconditional devotion and reverence were unwarranted. He had to see me as a flawed individual instead of a saint.

I realize that I am making it sound as if his feelings for me had been a burden. But that is not the case. Even at fourteen or fifteen, my padawan had a distinct sense of propriety, and he mostly suceeded in keeping his feelings hidden from others and never let his infatuation distract him to a point where I would have needed to reprimand him. 

In the year following his seventeenth birthday, Obi-Wan made great progress as a padawan. He was well on his way to emotional, mental and spiritual maturity. He certainly met and exceeded my expectations, and appeared to have overcome his attraction to me. It was during this year (to my knowledge, at least) that he became sexually active. While he avoided romantic entanglements, I knew he was intimate with elected partners. Naturally, combined with his newfound emotional balance, his growing composure and his increasing ability to shield his thoughts and emotions from me, this led me to believe that he was no longer in love with me.

Obi-Wan, with all of his virtues, also proved himself exceedingly stubborn and tenacious, which probably should have been a warning sign. Still, at that time he had me fooled, which is why the recent development came as somewhat of a surprise to me. 

It is no secret that I had initially hesitated to take on a new padawan. After I had found myself so woefully unprepared to deal with Xanatos' betrayal, I could not trust my own judgment and instincts. It was Obi-Wan who broke through the barrier that I had built around myself. In truth I found salvation in him. Teaching him proved both a challenge and a pleasure, and a source of great pride as well as I witnessed him grow into a remarkable young man, sound of mind and soul, confident yet humble, open-minded, kind, and so very spirited. I allowed myself to become closer to him, reassured in the knowledge that his romantic feelings for me were a thing of the past, and to find comfort, gratification and joy in his presence. 

Without realizing it, without wanting to, I was drawn to him. The light in him shines so brightly, it warms my soul. 

At the time I realized that I had fallen in love with my padawan, I was wholly unprepared to face the consequences. Obi-Wan was eighteen and we were on a mission on Kish. I recall that we had spent the whole day engaged in a lively discussion of art and trade with the local guilds, and when we returned to our quarters, neither of us was particularly interested in a conversation. We had a quiet dinner. Later that evening, I walked onto the terrace to find my padawan training, going through the White Crane kata. Focused entirely on his task, Obi-Wan did not notice me, and I did not draw attention to myself, permitting myself to watch him closely after I had not had an opportunity to do so for quite a while.

His movements were graceful and fluid. Mind and body were one, his movements fast yet precise. Naked from the waist up, he stood covered in sweat. For a second, he appeared a stranger to my mind's eye, a changed man. I stood transfixed by the sight, anticipating his every move – the kata as familiar to me as to him. But I had never before seen him go through the ancient choreography with such determination and focus, indicating that he had truly mastered it. The Force was surrounding and suffusing him, and his inner light shone like a beacon to my attuned senses.

Then he turned in a quick, elegant step, and saw me standing in the doorway. For a split second, he faltered before he caught himself and resumed the form. A smile lit up his face as he looked at me and became my undoing. In that moment, I felt a raw, urgent desire, and the realization shocked me to the core. I recall the moment with great clarity: the dark indigo sky, the trees standing silent in the distance, the terracotta bricks of the terrace, warmed from the sun, and the sound that Obi-Wan's bare feet made on it. 

In the days that followed, I tried to ignore my feelings, then actively fought them. Where his childhood crush had been a minor inconvenience, my own was a severe complication. But I couldn't unsee what I had seen. I was deeply attracted to the man Obi-Wan had become. Convinced as I was that his own feelings had changed, and that he only saw me as a father or mentor, it was blindingly obvious to me that I had to keep my thoughts to myself, and could only hope that they would remain hidden from him.

And I likely would have continued to do just this if I hadn't overheard a private conversation by accident.

We were on Hira on a fairly unimportant mission that mostly served to support the local government by participating in their twelve day celebration of a peace treaty. During a banquet on the third day of our stay, an urgent call from the Jedi council demanded our immediate departure. A little while ago, I had seen Obi-Wan leave the room in the company of a young woman whose insistent flirtation appeared to have left an impression on my padawan. I was caught between the wish to respect his privacy and not interrupt what might have turned into an intimate encounter in the meantime, and the urgent demand to take our leave. As I cautiously reached out for him through the Force, I sensed his presence nearby, calm and undisturbed, and was led to a small balcony overlooking the palace gardens. 

I found him in a close embrace with the young woman, but before I could clear my throat to announce my presence, he had already disentangled himself and was taking a step back. "I am sorry, but I can't," I heard him say. 

His companion stared at him in open curiosity. "Whyever not?"

"I beg of you, do not take this as an affront. I enjoyed your company very much, but I'm afraid that I will not be able to give you what you seek. You are kind and exceedingly beautiful, my lady, and you deserve someone who will appreciate your kindness and your beauty more than I could."

"It is because I am a woman?" she asked, her head tilted to the side. She took the rejection in stride and her words showed no sign of malice. 

"No," he said. "But I am not at liberty – I cannot give you my heart, my lady."

"Because you cannot give your heart, you will not share your body?"

"I have found it difficult to do so in the past," Obi-Wan said. His face was shadowed, but I could hear the sincerity in his voice, and I sensed the underlying sadness. 

"Is it because you are a Jedi?" 

"No," he said. "Many Jedi take lovers casually. I have done so as well, but I have found the experience lacking. I am looking for a deeper connection, yet at the same time, I am incapable of opening my heart to ... to a person who is not my –" Whatever word he had wanted to use, he thought better of it, and merely shook his head.

"Not the one you love", his companion said, and this time, there was a hint of sadness in her voice, and compassion. 

"I am sorry," Obi-Wan said. "And I am honored by your offer, truly, but …"

"I understand," she said gently. "I would have gladly shared my bed with you tonight, but I will not hold your rejection against you. You must follow your heart as we all." Her wisdom and kindness struck me as extraordinarily rare for someone so young, and I could see why Obi-Wan would confide in her. He nodded, lifted her hand to kiss it, and bowed to her like a knight of old. She smiled, then took a step to press a soft kiss to his cheek. "The person you love," she said. "Do they know of your feelings?"

Obi-Wan remained quiet at first, but then he shook his head again. "No. He does not."

"And have you loved him for a long time?"

"I have never loved anyone else," he said. 

And in that moment, I knew. 

When I had been able to attribute Obi-Wan's romantic feelings for me to a case of hero worship, they had been easy to dismiss. When I had been able to tell myself that my own growing feeling for my padawan were unrequited, it had still been fairly easy to keep myself from crossing any boundaries. Now that I knew that we both felt the same way, it became harder and harder to keep the required distance, and pretend that I did not want him in a way that went far beyond the limitations of a bond between master and padawan, mentor and mentee. It was harder to make myself believe that holding back served any purpose besides making us both miserable. 

I have never been good at following rules only for the sake of it. My old master can testify to that, as can the council. In my opinion, rules, as a limitation of freedom and regulation of behavior, have no inherent value; they are in place to keep us from causing harm to others. Where a rule fails to serve its purpose, and is also detrimental to the needs of the individuals affected by it, should it really be followed – just to set an example, or because it is more comfortable not having to make a conscious decision to break it, and take responsibility for one's actions? I have been dealing with this sort of question all my life. In some cases, the decision to disregard a certain rule turned out the wrong choice. More often, especially when I acted after careful consideration and in alignment with the Force, it turned out the right one, the lesser of two evils, or a cause of a more beneficial outcome. In any case, whenever I deliberately disregarded a rule, I did it with a clear purpose and a clear goal in mind.

When it came to Obi-Wan's and my relationship, it was difficult for me to discern my own motives, let alone determine the best course. Was it truly the right thing to obey the code of conduct and not act on this shared passion between him and me? As long as I had thought I was the only one caught in this web of affection and want, the question had been academic – I could not possibly burden my padawan with my inadvertent lust. But now that I knew he felt the same way, was it really the right thing to keep my own feelings a secret? If Obi-Wan was not even aware of the possibility that his feelings were returned, was the fact that I kept it secret from him an act of deception? If so, was deceiving him a necessity to ensure his wellbeing and unimpaired emotional development, or was it a way to deny him a choice? Was the fact that I was even asking that question a sign of my own moral corruption? 

I pondered these questions extensively, and tried to find guidance in the Force. I considered seeking council from one of the mind-healers in the temple, but could not bring myself to do so – I was not prepared to reveal my innermost thoughts to anyone, and to expose Obi-Wan's as well.

All of this came to a head during our mission on Eridol. At the time the separatists stormed the complex of government facilities and guestrooms where Obi-Wan and I resided, we found ourselves in different parts of the building, and each of us had to fight to reach the questionable safety of the central atrium. I missed Obi-Wan at my side. At the same time, I could feel his presence through the training bond on a far-away end of the complex as he fought the intruders, dodged their attacks, ducked for cover, and cleared the path for himself and the servants that had been caught in the battle, unaware and unarmed with no means to defend themselves. My awareness of him extended and expanded to a point where it almost felt like I was fighting two battles at once, mine and his. Not once in my life had I experienced such a strong Force bond – not with my own master; certainly not with my previous padawans. When I had already reached the atrium and was attempting to hold it against the hostile forces so that civilians and employees could escape through the evacuation tunnels, Obi-Wan was heavily under fire, which slowed down his retreat. I sensed his every movement as he wielded his lightsaber with a superior ease and calm, as if he stood on Coruscant training grounds. He passed a corridor and turned round a corner, gesturing for the servants to follow before proceeding to clear a path through a stairwell full of enemies. 

He had almost reached the ground, with no more than a hundred yards left between him and the atrium, when an explosion shook the tower and the walls crumbled and collapsed.

For a second, all I could feel was the echo of fear and death reverberating in the Force. I raised my shields in instinct, realizing that I could no longer sense Obi-Wan's presence. There was a moment where I was not sure whether he was still alive, and the foreboding of his death and the loss of him pressed on me. What I felt, in that split of a second, was a profound grief and regret, the devastating realization that I had never told him how precious and dear he truly was to me. 

Then his mind reached out to me, easily penetrating all my shields in a wordless cry for assistance. 

I cannot describe with complete accuracy what emotions coursed through me while I was occupied with stabilizing the crumbling structure, helping Obi-Wan and the servants under his protection escape from the collapsing building. I have been a Jedi master for a long time. Dispelling strong emotions or releasing them into the Force comes naturally to me. With Obi-Wan's presence in my mind, it was easy to put everything else aside and focus on the task at hand, and it was only after we had escaped with the help of Republican loyalists and found refuge at a most unusual place that I could afford to ponder on it. 

In retrospect, I think what happened between Obi-Wan and me during our stay at a high-class brothel was partly a result of my unsettled emotions. Obi-Wan was remarkably unruffled by his near death encounter – he had never truly lost his calm, and handled the situation with great poise and confidence. I was surprised to experience both pride of his skills and competence, and irritation at his nonchalance. He had almost died, but he was oblivious to my struggle to treat this situation no different than any other. We had shared a brief embrace upon our reunion in the atrium, a rare occurrence in our relationship, warranted by the danger we had both been in. My own reluctance to let go of him should have been a warning sign to me that I was dangerously thrown off balance. 

Little time passed between our adrenaline-filled escape and our arrival at our hiding place. The change of scenery was abrupt: one moment, we were hurrying through the streets of Zarga; the next, we turned a corner and were led through a dark back alley to an open door at the back of a stately building, beckoned inside by a beautiful and sparsely clad young woman, and informed in a hushed whisper that we would have to hide in an old dressing room, or rather a closet, adjacent to the master bedroom of one of Eridol's finest brothels. The young woman ushered us inside and closed the door behind us. We had barely able to catch our breath before the door to the bedroom opened and it was put to its destined use by a courtesan and her client. 

I like to think that there are very few situations that I would consider truly unbearable. However, our prolonged stay in a room no bigger than a prison cell, almost constantly exposed to sounds and smells of a sexual nature, came close. Ignoring what transpired in that bedroom would have been easier if Obi-Wan hadn't been there with me, and if he had not been notably affected. My padawan, whose close encounter with death had not nearly concerned him as much as it should have – I had told him before that he was becoming reckless, and too blasé for his own good – was far less capable of showing the same callousness when faced with the intricacies of unwittingly bearing witness to a string of sexual encounters. It should not have come as a surprise – after all, I was well aware of his sexual history, or lack thereof. Still, his reaction of extreme discomfort and embarrassment rattled me, especially since I knew the reason for his restraint.

Where he failed at distancing himself from our situation, and was affected by our environment, I failed at distancing myself from the growing tension between us, and was affected by him. I longed for him, body and soul. What I had experienced during that short moment where I believed him lost had jarred me deeply, and I could not quell my own need for proximity and reassurance. 

At least, this is how I would describe it now. On Eridol, I was not nearly as insightful – mostly I felt irritated, troubled, and restless. I had almost lost him. He could have died, not knowing how much he meant to me, that I loved him more deeply and passionately than I had ever loved anyone else. Not knowing that his soul sang to me in tune with the Living Force, and that I was drawn to his light like a moth to the flame. Not knowing how immensely glad I was to have had the privilege of his training, or how much I delighted in his company. Not knowing that even among the Jedi, he was one of a kind, with a potential the other masters and knights whispered about in hushed tones, so as not to flatter him in an unseemly manner.

In retrospect, it is also no wonder that our first sexual encounter happened on Eridol.

I do not wish to embarrass the investigators, let alone the council, with a recollection of intensely private and intimate moments between me and my padawan, but I was told to give an exact account of what happened. I will explain as much: during our stay at the brothel, I broke the rules of the master/padawan Code of Conduct, and initiated a sexual encounter between us. At the time, there was no doubt in my mind that the acts we committed were consensual. Yet I was the one who approached Obi-Wan, and he found himself in a position where it might have been difficult for him to resist my advances, or reject them. He was not at liberty to leave the room, he was strongly affected by the brothel's sexual environment, and the acts I committed could have been dismissed as a means to deal with the situation at hand in a practical and even reasonable way, thereby blurring the line of coercion and consent to a point where Obi-Wan might have been loathe to admit that any transgression had transpired. Or, to put it more bluntly: Obi-Wan might blame himself for a loss of control that allegedly caused me to act the way I did when I approached him. 

I am confident that the investigators will take this into account. I do not wish to palliate my actions. The fault lies entirely with me.

On the third day of our stay, I felt Obi-Wan's control slip. Through the Force, I sensed his shame and embarrassment; his body told of frustration and unwanted arousal. Meditation no longer worked. My padawan, already so adept at controlling his emotions at the age of nineteen, had reached his limits. As became increasingly obvious to me, so had I. 

On the third day, when I could no longer ignore the growing tension, I suggested masturbation. I wish I could say it was merely a means to ease his discomfort, but in truth, I felt like I was going out of my mind with the need to connect to him, to close the distance between us. 

His initial reaction, which he could no longer sufficiently conceal, was one of shame and embarrassment, warring with a desire so strong that it became my undoing. "I will not think any less of you," I said to him, in an attempt to alleviate his fears.

"I can control myself," he said, the strain in his voice belying his words. I don't know what he saw in my face, but I can imagine that he found me almost equally affected. For a second, we were at an impasse. Then a particular sensual moan resounded in the bedroom, and Obi-Wan flinched as if he had been struck, His eyes widened in near-desperation. I stared at him, my own defenses irreversibly shattered.

"Master," he whispered. 

"Obi-Wan," I said softly. I could not say anything beyond that, could not voice a reassurance, or a demand. He held my gaze, and then his body shook as he laid a hand on himself. 

I don't think I have ever witnessed a more erotic display in my life. In his eyes, I could see every reaction, every sensation he allowed himself to feel, and the mindless desire that consumed him – that consumed us both. 

"You will soil your clothes," I heard myself say, and his hand stilled for a second before he started to fumble at his drawstrings, and pulled his leggings down to reveal his erection, closed his hand around it and resumed stroking himself. I whispered encouragement and watched him writhe and tremble in the throes of passion, hips thrusting into his tight grip. His gaze never left mine and as he came – his face contorted, then going lax –, I was possessed by an urge so strong I could not possibly resist. I went to him, went to my knees in front of him. Slowly, while he was still caught in the aftershocks of pleasure, I reached for his hand. His eyes flew open again, and he twitched, then froze as I lifted his hand to my mouth to inhale the scent of semen, so strong and addictive, and tasted him.

"Please," he said, and I lifted my head. His eyes were wide and dark, his cheeks flushed. He was the most beautiful sight in the world. "Let me bring you relief as well." 

I could not have denied his request, had I wanted to. His hand was a tool, designed to pull me into the abyss, and the fall made me dizzy and breathless. As his hand brought me to completion, he kissed me, the touch of his lips incongruously tender and sweet. 

"My Obi-Wan," I whispered. 

"Yes," he replied, and then said my name as well, his voice even more quiet.

We held on to each other for a long time, and the part of me that had been in turmoil since the day of the attack was finally at peace. I did not want to let him go, but when common sense slowly returned and I felt the tension run out of him, replaced by lassitude, I bade him to rest.

I spent the rest of the day trying to clear my thoughts, and to come to terms with the fundamental shift of our relationship. By the time we were freed from our confinement, I was no closer to an answer, and knew only one thing for certain: there was no going back.

I postponed our due conversation until we were back at Coruscant. Partly because I wished for Obi-Wan to have access to the temple's resources, should he require counseling. I also wanted time to discuss things in the familiar, homely atmosphere of our shared quarters. When I broached the topic upon the evening of our return, I was prepared to offer Obi-Wan both an explanation and an apology – or at least, I was prepared for his questions, and willing to answer as honestly as I knew how. 

Of course he asked me why I had acted in this particular fashion, and I found myself battling conflicting urges. I did not want to burden him, or exert my influence over him, but I could no longer lie to him. Yet while I was still struggling to explain myself, my brave, courageous padawan laid himself bare. 

"Master,"he said softly, and I could feel the effort it took for him to keep his voice level, calm. "Qui-Gon. I love you." I could not fathom what this confession must have cost him. "I am in love with you and have been for years. If anything, it is I who failed you first." 

In this second, I wanted nothing more but to bridge the distance between us and pull him into my arms. I was at a loss for words, floored by his sincerity and the trust he put in me. "Your love honors me more than I can say, Obi-Wan. But it is no failure on your part, not at all. In fact, it is … fairly common for a padawan to feel this way."

"So I was told," he said. "But I was also told that such … such crushes usually dissipate."

I launched into an explanation of how such things were fairly common, and that he had done nothing wrong. He listened avidly, and then frowned. "You said it was excusable for a padawan to have this kind of feelings. But what about their master?"

"You already know the answer to that," I said. "Duty comes first, and it is a master's duty to ensure their padawan's wellbeing. It is my duty to guide you, to care for you, to put your wellbeing before my selfish desires."

He stared at me, taking a deep breath. And once again, his persistence was my downfall. "What _are_ your desires, master?"

"Do not ask me that, Obi-Wan," I said, shaking my head in near despair. "Have mercy on me, and do not ask me that."

I saw the realization dawn in his face. His eyes widened a fraction, and the sliver of hope nearly broke my heart. I don't know whether someone, anyone, could have found the strength to look into his eyes and shatter this hope, pretending it was the right thing to do.

"Master," he said, a mere whisper. "If you know how I feel, and if it is true that you feel the same way –" 

"My Obi-Wan," I said. "You must understand that my love for you has been the caring, enduring, sometimes indulgent love of a parent, for the longest time. This love will always be yours, and anything else …"

"Where you merely indulging me, then?" he asked, with a hint of a challenge in his voice. 

"No," I said. "I am afraid that my motives were not as pure as that. Rather, it was an expression of far more selfish desires, and if I were a better person, I would never have acted on them."

"A desire for _me_ , master? Or merely …"

The moment of truth had come, and there was no way that I would lie to him. "It is you I desire, Obi-Wan, body, soul, and heart," I said. "To my shame – and to my great consternation – I have found myself to be madly in love with you."

His eyes widened, and his mouth formed an "oh" of surprise. I found myself unable to suppress a smile. "Why, my padawan, you made me confess to you after all. You seem to be at a loss for words. That does not happen very often."

If felt like a weight had lifted from my shoulders, and my heart wanted to soar. All of a sudden, it was the easiest thing in the world to close the distance and fall to my knees in front of his chair. I lifted his hand. With my thumb, I stroked down from his wrist to his fingers until they uncurled , then kissed his palm. "My Obi-Wan, if only you knew how precious you are to me, and how much admiration and fondness I feel for you."

"I know, because I feel the same way," he said. I gently turned his hand to kiss his knuckles. "Master –" he started. 

I silenced him with a shake of my head and a smile. "All my convictions, my rational thought, tells me that this is not a good idea, that if I were a better man, I would not have allowed it to happen, let alone to continue. And yet –" I paused. Tempted and drawn in by the feel and sight of him, I held his hand between both of mine, then brought it to my cheek. His fingers molded themselves to the curve of my jaw and his thumb slid over my beard. "My Obi-Wan, if this is what you also want, then it would be my greatest honor, and pleasure if you accepted me as your lover, your partner, as well as your master."

"Yes," he said immediately, eyes wide. "Yes, please."

"Come, then," I whispered. "Come to me."

With the slightest pull, maybe not even that, he slid from his chair and into my lap. When our lips met, the world fell away, and with it the last of my regret, my guilt and my hesitation. The Living Force rose like the tide, engulfing us and binding us even more closely together. 

I have taken lovers in the past, and found the experience both pleasurable and emotionally rewarding, but I have never before felt such a strong connection through the force. I am aware that this might sound to some like an attempt to paint my relationship with Obi-Wan in a particularly favorable light. However, as a Jedi Master of almost thirty years, I like to think that I am not especially prone to self-deception or delusions, and I would be lying if I said that this intimate connection with Obi-Wan did not constitute one of the most exhilarating, gratifying, and fulfilling experiences of my life. 

Obi-Wan and I spent the night together as lovers, exploring this newfound closeness and intimacy. I had expected him to be shy and insecure in his expression of sexuality and was soon thoroughly disabused of this notion; my padawan, once set at ease about the exact depth and intensity of my feelings for him, proved exquisitely and uniquely capable of stripping me of any remaining thought and reason. 

I think it might be easy to understand why we only reluctantly resurfaced from the realm of passion in the morning, facing the harsh reality: the fact that I – _we_ , as my padawan insisted – had broken the code of conduct, without any justification beyond a strong mutual desire to do so. Over breakfast, I hesitantly broached the subject of informing the council. Before we could come to a conclusion, however, we were sent on yet another mission. 

Ready for departure, I told Obi-Wan that I thought it best if we remained celibate for the duration of the mission, and that I wanted him to consider carefully if a future as lovers was really what he wanted. I would be lying if I said that I expected him to change his mind – after all, I know how extraordinarily headstrong my padawan could be – or that I would have been able to accept it easily, with all the grace and serenity expected of a Jedi Master. I would have accepted his decision nevertheless. If we were to continue our sexual relationship, nothing but Obi-Wan's freely given, unequivocal, and enthusiastic participation would suffice.

Upon our return to Coruscant I made one last, halfhearted attempt to offer him a respite. I suggested a trial period, spent with a vacation of sorts, during which we could continue to explore the sexual aspect of our relationship to our heart's content to make sure that we were not just foolishly confusing lust with love. If we were still both determined to continue on this path afterward, we would apply for a permission, as we had planned to do. In a way, I felt it was my duty to make this offer. While I was sure of my own feelings, I needed to take Obi-Wan's youth and inexperience into account. What if my aging body and my jaded mind failed to meet his expectations? 

A part of me probably knew what the outcome of this conversation would be. Still, I made my plight, and was met with an incensed look of sheer exasperation. Of course, Obi-Wan was far beyond the stage in his life where he would have responded with an outburst. Instead, he gave me a smile that did not reach his eyes. "This is a most generous offer, master", he said sweetly. "But if you only wanted me for my body, you could have said so."

I was moderately sure that he did not really believe that. "Obi-Wan, I assure you, this is not the case," I said, "I merely intended –" His eyes narrowed. This is never a good sign. Over the course of six years, I have learned to be apprehensive of this particular facial expression, as it usually means that I have driven my padawan to extreme measures. 

"Do you believe the council will forbid us to continue our relationship?" he asked mildly. "Is this an attempt to make the most of our time together before the council puts a stop to it? How many fucks can we squeeze into two weeks of vacation, what do you think?"

"Obi-Wan –"

He shook his head. "You know, the irony of you asking the council for an exception permit, on the basis that I am mature enough to know what I want, while you apparently believe the opposite, is staggering."

I winced. "Obi-Wan, I …"

"You know what I think?" he asked, deceptively casual, and did not wait for a reply. "I think that you should decide what it is that _you_ want, master, and once you have done so, and told me, you may ask me what _I_ want. And maybe then do me the courtesy of trusting my judgment before you ask the council to do the same." He made a formal – and formidable – bow and left the room, leaving me stunned into speechlessness, and not a little ashamed.

I knew that it would not be a good idea to confront him right away, so I made myself wait in our quarters, meditating and considering the situation. Obi-Wan had a right to call me out on my behavior, and indeed, I was doing him a disservice by doubting his feelings, or his ability to make choices for himself. During these hours, I realized that for our relationship to work, I would have to treat him as an equal, and instead of making decisions for him, I would have to make them _with_ him. 

Was I truly willing, and prepared, to do that? It all came down to this one question: did I consider Obi-Wan my partner, or my charge? I pondered this question extensively, and when I finally ended my meditation, I knew the answer. I filled out the application forms with hands that were mostly steady, and then went to look for my wayward padawan.

I found him on the training grounds, sparring with one of his fellow padawans. He noticed me entering, but he continued his exercises, knowing that I would have called him, had I wanted him to interrupt his training. I waited patiently for both young men to finish. Once they had done so, I stepped forward, and while Obi-Wan cursorily inclined his head, I addressed him as I would a knight, or a fellow master. "Obi-Wan. If it does not inconvenience you, I would like to take up a moment of your time." I took care to project sincerity and made sure that I exuded an air of calm and politeness – a kind of respect that I had rarely awarded him in public before. 

"Of course, master." He raised one brow in a silent question, but I merely nodded in acknowledgement. "Would you care to accompany me to our quarters? I need to fill out a couple of forms, and could use your help."

His eyes widened. "Is that so, master?"

"Indeed, Obi-Wan. If it isn't too presumptuous of me to assume that you would like to help me in this endeavor." 

Through the Force and the connection between us, I could sense his amusement, and his growing excitement. Our eyes met and I knew with an accompanying flash of heat that we were not going to file paperwork right away. 

"Of course, Master."

The long walk back to our private quarters was quite torturous. We kept silent, exchanging polite nods and brief greetings with other Jedi as we passed them, until we had finally reached the blessed solitude of our quarters. I was not surprised at all to find myself pushed against the door the second it had closed behind us, and to feel Obi-Wan pressed against me. I put my hands on his shoulders to pull him even closer, and took his mouth in a searing kiss. 

It was not until much later that I finally got to make amends. We were lying in bed and I held him in my arms, feeling his heartbeat, strong and steady, under my hand. "My Obi-Wan," I said. "I love you. I want you very much." He tensed and tried to turn his head to look at me, But when I shook my hand and tightened my hold around him, he stayed as he was. "Shh. Let me says this, my padawan, or the courage will desert me after all."

"Courage? Desert you?" he asked, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "You, of all people?"

"Hush, my padawan," I said, and gentled the command with a kiss to his temple. "I owe you an apology. I should not have questioned you."

Obi-Wan let out a deep breath. "I know that you did what you thought was best for me, master," he said, a little grudgingly. 

"I did not," I confessed to him. "It was my own insecurity, not yours, that made me doubt you." I don't know whether he really realized what I meant, but my words seemed to have calmed him nonetheless. "Obi-Wan, I will make a promise to you. From this day on, I will trust your judgment as I would trust my own – at least in matters that concern us both so intimately. You still have much to learn, but there is no doubt in my mind that experience and further study will teach you everything you need to know. When it comes to matters related to our relationship, I will not pretend to know better than you where fate and the Force will lead us." Silence descended between us, and we both started drifting off to sleep. 

"Thank you," Obi-Wan whispered eventually, his voice already drenched with the addictive flavor of sleep. "I love you, Qui-Gon."

"And I love you," I said. Touching the Force, feeling our connection, I basked in our shared understanding and happiness, cherishing the weight of him in my arms and the presence of him in my mind. 

Whatever conclusion the council comes to, I have no regrets, and there is no doubt left in my mind that Obi-Wan and I made the right choice. 

_Qui-Gon Jinn, Jedi Master_

 

**Official statement of the Jedi Council**

After evaluating all available data, including personal statements given by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and Senior Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi, as well as medical and professional records and witness testimonies, the council hereby grants an exception permit to the applicants according to § 9, 15- 16 of the Master/Padawan Code of Conduct. Their training bond will be subject to quarterly evaluation. This permission can and will be withdrawn, should the applicants conduct themselves in a way that negatively affects the reputation or authority of the Jedi Temple. We expect the applicants to carry out their private affair with the uttermost discretion. 

_The High Council, Jedi Temple, Coruscant._


End file.
